a beautiful night a lovely party i wish i could be there forever forever forever.  but its inescapable: i will never go back it will never be the same.  and the reality is it gave me nothing except a fleeting experience of perfect happiness and now regret because as always i cant hold on to things i cant let go of things.  but i feel nothing nothing nothing.  what a lie im just sad.

Laguna

a day in Laguna
the world is nice sometimes

they have nice churches there

Her hand cut a trail in the sea, as her mind made the green swirls and streaks into patterns and, numbed and shrouded, wandered in imagination in that underworld of waters where the pearls stuck in clusters to white sprays, where in the green light a change came over one's entire mind and one's body shone half transparent enveloped in a green cloak.

Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse

It's as if people are talking to me in my head.  I hear their voices and words without consciously creating them.  I was trying to sleep and I couldn't, though everyone else was, because while the room was silent their conversations were still going on in my mind.  I got caught up in them, tried to stop it, then it started again.  Too loud for sleep. I was so tired.

Her skin was the color of white jade.  Or maybe it was the color of a summer peach.  Or maybe I am only remembering my mother as another classical tale, all those phrases about ladies with voices as pretty-sounding as lutes, skin as white as jade, their gracefulness flowing like calm rivers.  Why did stories always describe women that way, making us believe we had to be that way too?

Amy Tan, The Kitchen God's Wife

White is the night
ghost skins in streetlight

Please click photos for source. 

dont hug me or hold me or touch me i dont want you to feel my body

Don't really want to think I don't want food but I can't stop eating a disgusting way to be eating is disgusting I am disgusting my legs look like tree trunks but I am not even so beautiful as that Can hardly imagine living without this feeling though always thinking about what I have been eating when I have to stop when I've gone too far when I'm doing alright but even then in the mirror fat fat fat that's all I see and I tell myself there's salvation in starvation but I can't imagine never eating again its ridiculous how much I think about, depend on food for happiness when in reality it only makes me hate myself with a wild and desperate passion I wish there was an easy solution If I had been born differently, I would be thin already.  3 years and I've cut back more than I even imagined I could yet my body is unchanged.  My body is a cage.

Strange night spent at our place, inescapable.  Pulled a beautiful heist lit firework walking home in the middle of empty streets made ourselves a playlist mixed drinks smoking in the driveway throwing up on the front lawn spilling secrets like a broken bottle and back in, sleep it off.

Cocorosie - Ana Lama

Ana Lama 

Fourth of July was strange.  Walking as people set off fireworks and things - smoke and sparklers, sound and life I'm not used to outside at night.  But sadness is destructive as an avalanche and happens as fast and as unexpectedly.  Finally I couldn't be awake for it anymore.

Daphne Runs

Daphne runs, fades in and out of the trees.  Swaying slowly, boughs bend.  In and out of trees.  Vines, ivy clings to her ankles.  Daphne fades in and out like a radio, loud and then to silence.  Willow by the river.  The brush scrapes her wrists and cheeks.  In and out like a television.  Clarity and then nonexistence.   Silence under leaves.  Fading.  Her cheeks are white petals.  White noise.  Wet petals, wet blooms.  Running, fading in and out of the trees.